Operation PAYBACK

I’m keeping a list of things that I will regift to my children in the future.

I’m not talking about the kiln-fired, painted mug; that stays with me, for eternity. I’m talking about actions I’ll re-enact for my kids once they are adults. The timing for Operation Payback is still to be determined. Bottom line is my kids won’t have lived at home for quite some time. Here is how Operation Payback will go.

I’ll start my payback campaign with phone calls.

Step 1: Ask for a story and water
I’ll place a call to them at around 9 PM, PST. This will work best if they live on the east coast and its midnight. I will ring their house/apartment/car/lover’s abode and tell them I can’t sleep and ask could they read me a story? They might act surprised to hear this question so I’ll repeat it for clarity. I’ll make some book suggestions from the pile of childhood things I shipped to their dwelling. After we’ve discussed the pros and cons of reading a story; I’ll ask for some water, explaining that I am SO THIRSTY. I’ll call back several times inquiring about the drink and its estimated arrival.

Step 2: Alert them that my covers came off
I’ll call again, this time at 3 AM, to report that my covers came off. I’ll ask for help getting back to bed. My bedding will come off nightly for a week.

I’ll come for a visit.

Step 3: Say my child’s name a lot
We’ll sit side by side, each of us engrossed in our task. I do believe I’ll call my child’s name 4 million times. They might answer “yes” the first two times. I won’t follow this up with any words spoken whatsoever.

Step 4: Hear no and ask again
“I’d like to go to Applebee’s for dinner at 5P,” I’ll say. They might have to finish work, drive their kids somewhere or, horror of all horrors; they might not like Applebees! They’ll say “no, we can’t tonight, sorry” and change the subject. I’ll ask “can we go to Applebee’s for lunch?” They’ll answer, “Perhaps in a couple of days.” I’ll inquire “Can we go to that place that starts with a fruit?” “Nope.” At this point, they’ll be on to me. I’ll ask them if they like to eat. Still no. I’ll stop asking…for now.

I’ll remind them actions speak louder than words.

Step 5: Watch TV in my underwear
After we have returned from going to lunch/dinner at Chili’s, I’ll immediately take off my dress in the entryway, because I’ll wear dresses at that age. I’ll lay on the couch, and watch TV in my underwear. They will ask me to cover up. I’ll get a blanket to snuggle even though my limbs will still be hanging out in all directions. My dress will still be on the floor in the entryway.

Step 6: Leave dishes in my room
My kids’ house might be quiet at night. I’ll get out of bed, make an elaborate midnight snack, complimented with a tall glass of water and retreat to my room, my bounty in tow. My snack will be so tasty that I will opt to save some of it until the morning. The half-eaten sandwich will be left on the nightstand.

The next mid-night, my Chili’s leftovers will be calling my name. I’ll take that to my room with a new, different, glass of water. I must have ice in my water and said ice should come from the noisy automatic ice-maker. This fact is non-negotiable.

I’ll add some used coffee cups to the nightstand population because I love coffee. I am looking to break the record for Most Cups Left in a Bedroom Ever. I am staying for ten days, and my nightstand won’t hold everything.

My plan has 10 Steps!

I am guessing by the throat clearing, sighs, and nervous glances to one another that my children and their families will want me to cut my visit short. I’ll want to go too because I won’t have been to swim practice or gotten in any workouts since I arrived several days prior.

I’ll spend the last part of my visit penning a thank you note. My children won’t be surprised, as each of them still believes in the power of a hand-written gesture. I’ll lean it up against the bottle of red wine I’ve brought for them, and wave goodbye.

“Oh, I love you so,” I’ll say.

Until next time kids.

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