I cherish my kids OR How to keep from drop kicking your teens

I know this sounds harsh. But man is it frustrating to be a parent of teens. I am by no means a parenting expert. My qualifications for parenting a teen are straightforward:

• I was once a teen.
• My frontal lobe is more developed than my kids’.
• I’ve lived longer, so I have a bit more life knowledge than my children.

I love my offspring more than anything in the world.

I wouldn’t trade my kids, or the cost of their future college tuition, for a yacht to sail the Mediterranean. The thought crosses my mind every so often though. We all have our challenges as parents. Following are some strategies I’ve begun to use to keep my cool, exhibit patience and not lose my shit.

1. Remember that being a teen today is the polar opposite to what it used to be.

Stating the obvious here, but the digital age has changed our kids’ lives. It’s hard to be a teen today.

• THEN: Do something stupid, and no one knows about it.
• NOW: Snapchat is blowing up with the video of your stunt.
• THEN: Speak to one another face to face, and have a conversation.
• NOW: Snap, Text, Facetime. Become “friends” with someone you’ve never met in person.

2. Recognize that teens resemble wild animals: approach with caution.

Credit to my dear friend Mary for making this comparison; it still makes me laugh. Because we are talking about a growing, changing, hormonal human, they are unpredictable. There should be no sudden movements; we don’t want them to bolt. We should saunter around them, ready to retreat if and when necessary. But most of all, flexibility is critical.

My official job title is Chief Parental Officer (CPO). But, the job description needs an overhaul. The teen is ever-changing, so the required parenting skills morph on a daily basis as well. The CPO job description would be best if written on a white-board. The duties could read in a bullet list down the left-hand side. Wipe it off with your hand as the description changes before your very eyes.

For example, yesterday’s duties:

• Say hello when they arrive home
• Inquire about their day
• Offer fashion advice about those EXTREMELY short shorts

Today’s items:

• Listen
• Say nothing
• Wait for them to approach you

3. Ban the use of the F-word.

Yes, I am talking about the F-word, just not the one you think. Ban the FINE word.

• Question: How was your day?
• Answer: Fine
• Question: Are you sure it starts at 8?
• Answer: It’s Fine mom.
• Question: You do know you can’t go online until you finish your homework, right?
• Answer: FINE!

4. Use the “I love my kid” self-talk often.

• More missing assignments: I love my kid
• No, I don’t have any homework: I love my kid
• They have failed to call and tell you where they are: I love my kid
• The refrigerator is empty, and you shopped yesterday: I love my kid

Then one day out of the blue, when you are least expecting it, they start talking and telling you in minute detail about their day. Freeze and listen. Your kids share that school is stressing them out, or they have frustration with friends or sports. They tell you about something funny they saw, or ask about YOUR day.

I LOVE MY KIDS.

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